Me: If we moved to the equator, we would weigh less.
Him: I think the difference could be expressed in scientific notation.
Me: Scientific notation, I will optimistically point out, can also be used to express VERY LARGE numbers.
Him: Either way, we would more than make up for it with increased ingestion of calorific tropical fruit.
Me: Mood killer.
Me: I went to the Gap the other day. I haven’t been there for years. I don’t really like the Gap anymore.
Him: Maybe you’ve outgrown the Gap.
Him: Maybe you’ve gone from hip to fart!
Me: Maybe you could phrase that differently.
“That’s my favorite picture of you.”
“Yes. And see, I put you before the coffee milk.”
“Before the coffee?”
“The coffee milk.”
“So, not before coffee.”
“This is a photo only of milk.”
“I’m glad that’s clear.”
Today I decided I really want the Muppets theme song as a ringtone, but the technology gods flaunted Carina and I as we tried to download it onto my phone.
Colin: I can make that for you.
Me: You can MAKE it?
Colin, very serenely: You can, too. You have all the tools you need at your disposal.
Me: What are you, channeling Buddha?
Carina: No, GarageBand!
I was freezing, as usual, when we crawled into bed.
Him: Here, put your hand under my back.
Me: I was going to ask you to hold my hand to warm it up.
Him: Putting it under my back is more efficient – greater surface area.
Me: Hm, that hardly seems as meaningful as holding your hand.
Him: You can having meaning or efficiency. Not both.
Me: Let’s watch that movie tonight.
C: Which movie?
Me: The one you said was funny. Men With Goats.
C: Men WHO STARE AT goats.
Me: Yeah, that one.
C: Men With Goats probably isn’t your kind of movie.
Me: Yeah, it’s probably not funny.
Me: I’m hungry. Do you think we could have dinner first, and stop by the beach later?
C: Do you want a snack?
Me: I have a granola bar…
C: Well, why don’t you have that? That should hold you over.
Me: Because I’ll get crumbs all over your car?
Me: Is this where you’re supposed to tell me not to worry about it, that they are only crumbs?
C: Don’t worry about it.
C: You can vacuum them up later.